One of the reasons we put off having a second child for so long was because of our fear of my developing Postpartum Depression again. A few months after Isabella was born I developed a severe case of Postpartum Depression which lasted until Isabella was over a year old and I still have lasting effects.
Postpartum Depression is exactly what it sounds like, a depression Women can develop during the postpartum period. It can start as soon as a few days after the baby is born and as late as 6 months or a year after the birth of the child. Most women go through about a two week period of what is referred to as "Baby Blues" after their baby is born. In some cases, a more severe clinical depression develops which is related to the sudden drop in hormone levels in the body. Often women who already have a chemical imbalance, emotional problems or other psychological disorders are more susceptible. Other factors that can bring on PPD are situational such as stress in the women's life: marital problems, family problems or illness/death of a loved one, job stress etc. These outside factors are not to be underestimated either as stress can be very serious.
When I had Isabella I was very young and somewhat naive. I remember having read something about PPD when I was pregnant but didn't give it a second thought, thinking it did not apply to me. But then boom, a few months after Bella was born, it hit. For a long time I did not even know what was wrong with me, it took quite some time before I determined the culprit. Then I sought help. Some people were very helpful, some not so much. One evening when driving home from having visited Mom and Mike (George was driving and I was in the back seat with Bella) I started to tense up to the point where I could not move my hands or arms, they were completely stiff. I had no idea what was going on and was very scared. George took me to the hospital and it turns out I had hyperventilated to the point where half my body had gone stiff (new experience for me). The doctor on duty who saw me was not helpful, she told me essentially I should be on antidepressants and then I would not be wasting doctors time with this trivial thing. What a #@%&$ !!! I was still nursing Bella at the time and it is well known that most antidepressants can be harmful during pregnancy and nursing so that was not good advice on the doctors part. What brought all of this on...Bella was sick and I guess I was so worked up about my daughter being sick that I had a severe anxiety attack.
This was really a rough time for me. I began to look for help and was sent to see a Psychiatrist who recommended only medication (something I learned quickly about Psychiatrists is that is often all they do and after all of this I permanently switched to Psychologists who are a little more open to other solutions). The antidepressant I was prescribed by the Psychiatrist only made things worse. After taking it for a few weeks I hit such a low that I actually contemplated suicide (the only time in my life that has happened). Obviously this scared the shit out of me and I thought to myself this is ridiculous, there has to be another way. I threw the pills out and started to look for a Psychologist. Eventually I found one through the Family Centre in Edmonton, this person was wonderful and really helped me (over many years) to learn to deal with a lot of the things I all of a sudden could not deal with.
One of the major side effects of PPD is how the mother reacts to her child. One of two things generally happens, either she refuses the child and is unwilling to care for it or she becomes extremely over protective. The second happened with me. I became very over protective of Bella (still am) and would never let her out of my sight. Looking back I am so thankful this happened and not the first one. I know there are some family members that maybe thought I was a little too overprotective of Bella when she was a baby, it was the PPD talking.
It is very difficult to understand Depression if you have never been through it (and I am not talking about the kind of depression where you eat a tub of ice cream because you had a rough day at work or you have two glasses of wine instead of one because your spouse pissed you off). I am referring to real and serious depression: Imagine lying in bed with your mind full of black thoughts not caring about much and unable to get out of bed. Basic daily things become impossible: getting dressed, making breakfast, leaving your home seems all of a sudden as impossible as climbing a mountain. This is how I felt for almost a year, the only thing that kept me going was my adorable little daughter who needed me so badly (and it is not that my life was so bad, I was suffering from depression brought on by a sudden drop in hormone levels which made an already existing chemical imbalance much much worse). I also developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (which I may have had before but was not pronounced). Obsessive compulsive disorder can also be very scary when not kept under control, It would be difficult for me to describe some of the things that happened to me without feeling really uncomfortable but if you have seen the movie "As good as it gets" with Jack Nicholson that will give you some idea, although it was much worse for me. What made all of this worse is that my new husband was working ten and twelve hour days at his job and so I was always alone with this baby. Also, my husband did not understand what I was going through and did not realize how ill I was and so I had no help or support there either. What a lot of people do not realize or understand is that Psychological disorders are real diseases with no cure. There are medications out there that will lessen or mask symptoms but there is no cure. It was not until after I had been going to therapy for a few years that my Psychiatrist informed me that I would probably always suffer from depression/anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder to some degree whether I took medication or not. That is a hard pill to swallow, I mean you try to not let it get you down because like with anything else there is no point in wallowing, you just carry on, but there is a certain quality of life that is lost with many psychological disorders.
I have chosen to attend therapy with a Psychologist as my treatment for these disorders instead of taking medication and manage with some hard work to keep most of it under control. What I fear now of course is will having another child bring all of this back full swing? Statistics show that women who have previously suffered from PPD are twice as likely to suffer from it again. I am hoping and praying that won't be the case with me. At the same time, if it happens again this time around I am armed at least with knowledge. Very little is still known about PPD. It is quite scary really to research this or to talk to Obstetricians and realize what little is known. The one thing I do keep coming across is that SUPPORT is the one thing known to really help PPD: support from one's spouse, family members and friends. It has always been difficult for me to ask for help or support for anything as I am so fiercely independent but I will put it here for all of my family and friends to read: I would really appreciate any help and support any one is willing to offer and I wish I had known enough to ask the first time...
If you are interested in reading more about Postpartum Depression, please visit
the following links:
Postpartum
Support International Directory
WomensHealth.gov
Tascheleia